I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
