my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
