I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I did not marry a roomba.
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