How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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