bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
