Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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