someone owes me an orgasm
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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