she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
