I hate your face
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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