I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
