Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
