I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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