I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Shame - the story of my life.
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