These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
