bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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