Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
