my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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