i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
