allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
