just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize