12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i've created a new STD.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
