All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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