i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
