Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You ruined the universe
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
