I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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