The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
