Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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