1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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