you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
