On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
