"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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