textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
