mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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