Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
