I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
