I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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