i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
