I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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