Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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