My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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