Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize