I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
ttyl tear gas
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
