The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
