I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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