If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I enjoy the company of your penis
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
