I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need a beard to bite.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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