I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm passing your future prison.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What a dumb baby whore.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
