We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is the high leading the old right now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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