Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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