I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
