It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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