I am puke
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
