We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
