I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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