It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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