He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
