Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
