he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
