i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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