At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
