Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
