You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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