My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize